somethings gone wrong. and i have no idea what.i had a good day to day, i hung around with people in eastleigh, and i didn't feel like a waste of space like i normally do which was nice. and they actually walked to me, and carly offered me a muffin which was nice. then i spent some time with tom, daisy and loretta at lunch. we messed around, i tried to guess what daisy was listning to, and vice versa. then i went to psychology and had a good time with beatrice and charlotte. the bus ride home was fun, did some planking, looked at ryans tatoo. had dinner then hung around in bedroom. i like being y myself. becuase it gives me a chance to catch up with myself, spend some time delving into my own brain, don't worry i do it a lot. then nothing. i couldn't think of anything, then this huge fuck ass black cloud came over me, and that was that
now i just feel so insanly depressed, like,it's really rare that i get depressed, but this time it was different. like i could visualise throwing myself out my bedroom window, and smashing my brains out on the patio floor thing.
it would be nice and quick, then i would never have to face the world.i have no idea why. i was literally like soul crushed for half an hour, i couldn't think, i just had this strange desire to end it all. i feel a bit better now, but i still feel shit.
there was nothing, like, i only ever get depressed if thers a trigger or something, like if i've had an argument with a friend or something.i'm stuck, and i'm lost.
i feel quite panicy.i mean like, i'm scared it might happen again, and i might actuallly just flip out. and that i might do soemthign stupid.
and now i feel worse, becuase not only am i sharing witht he world what an absolute fuck tard i am, i'm talkign to james. he must hate me so much. he has to put up with me, always beign stupid,wierd, drunk and now this. it''s always him. soemtime i feel like he rachela dn daisy are the only people i can open up to and say these things, even though i don't always tell them how i really feel.i hate being me, i hate the fact that i lumber my stupid feelign s and mental crap on them, and just expect them to deal woith it and make everything ok again
becaise they can;t. nobody can.i'm just trapped in a shitty world, where i can't control anythign and i wreck everything.take lucas for example. we met at a friend leaving do, we hit i off, he was a great guy we sceduled a second meeting, but it never happened. he never said it btut i could tell i was too much for him
it's the same with everyone. i never fit in properly, not with the college lot, who still hate me, although it has got better i guess, i struggle to get anythign done, becuase i cant' do it, and i'm fed up of always being stuck, not knowign what i've doen wrong now, or who i've offeneded
i need space, but there is none. it's not like i can hide from every single person. i can't leave my house to go live soemwhere else, becuase i ahve no money, i can't even go and hide in someones shed or soemthing.
theres not really a point to all this really, and i'm sorry for forcing it all on everybody like this, and i really suck, i mean what normal problem has this> exatly no one does, it's just me
same old fucked up lewis
now i just feel so insanly depressed, like,it's really rare that i get depressed, but this time it was different. like i could visualise throwing myself out my bedroom window, and smashing my brains out on the patio floor thing.
it would be nice and quick, then i would never have to face the world.i have no idea why. i was literally like soul crushed for half an hour, i couldn't think, i just had this strange desire to end it all. i feel a bit better now, but i still feel shit.
there was nothing, like, i only ever get depressed if thers a trigger or something, like if i've had an argument with a friend or something.i'm stuck, and i'm lost.
i feel quite panicy.i mean like, i'm scared it might happen again, and i might actuallly just flip out. and that i might do soemthign stupid.
and now i feel worse, becuase not only am i sharing witht he world what an absolute fuck tard i am, i'm talkign to james. he must hate me so much. he has to put up with me, always beign stupid,wierd, drunk and now this. it''s always him. soemtime i feel like he rachela dn daisy are the only people i can open up to and say these things, even though i don't always tell them how i really feel.i hate being me, i hate the fact that i lumber my stupid feelign s and mental crap on them, and just expect them to deal woith it and make everything ok again
becaise they can;t. nobody can.i'm just trapped in a shitty world, where i can't control anythign and i wreck everything.take lucas for example. we met at a friend leaving do, we hit i off, he was a great guy we sceduled a second meeting, but it never happened. he never said it btut i could tell i was too much for him
it's the same with everyone. i never fit in properly, not with the college lot, who still hate me, although it has got better i guess, i struggle to get anythign done, becuase i cant' do it, and i'm fed up of always being stuck, not knowign what i've doen wrong now, or who i've offeneded
i need space, but there is none. it's not like i can hide from every single person. i can't leave my house to go live soemwhere else, becuase i ahve no money, i can't even go and hide in someones shed or soemthing.
theres not really a point to all this really, and i'm sorry for forcing it all on everybody like this, and i really suck, i mean what normal problem has this> exatly no one does, it's just me
same old fucked up lewis
Argh, these kinds of moods are fucking horrible. I really hope things have started to get better since you posted this. It's a nightmare when it drags on and on. :/
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I'm here, Ray's here (of course), I daresay the rest of the Itchen lot are too. You're not the only one and you're not on your own. :)
thanks Louise, i'm glad it's not just me that gets this. it great to know people care :)
ReplyDelete