A good mood gone sour...

Im really quite a bit miffed, i had a tough but rewarding shift and i come home and just hopped on the internet to see what was going on. So Tom Daley, the famous diver, has just come out as Bi, (i havn't actually watched the video but im too wound up to) Dont get me wrong, he is a good diver, and he has had a tough time, what with his Fathers passing away and the olympics, but frankly i am really peeved. Im more annoyed at the fact he has people like Lady Gaga, Kylie Minogue and Stephan fry tweeting to him and saying congrats and what not. No, i dont accept that. When i came out i got nothing, just like many millions of other people got and what millions more in the future will get. He has pretty much anything he wants, or at least has the means to get them, wheras someone like me has not much. Im just not happy. Everyone always makes coming out seem like such a drama, makes it sound so exciting and that everything will be fine and glittery bubbles will fly out your ass and rainbows will rain from the sky and Lady Gaga or Cher will send you a telegram congratulating you and inviting you to tea. IT DOSNT FUCKING WORK LIKE THAT. i never had a proper coming out, ive always been more out than in, but when i told people, they were like, yep already knew that. So what is the point? and if i am even more honest, i dont know why we even have them. They are these mythical challenges, and once you do it thats it life is easy. You dont all of a sudden realize you are gay, and to be honest, admitting it to people cements, not only the fact you are a dirty homosexual, forever to be trodden over by the expectations of fashion, looking amazing and being everyone best friend, all the while reciving glowing praise and being treated like the second coming by one half of the community, where the other half wants to perform corrective rape and have you sent to a camp like a Siberian Gulag. If i am completely honest, i hate being gay, i really hate it. i feel like i am sometimes forced by society's exceptions of what i should be, to do things which i dont feel comfortable, let alone agree with. I struggle enough with what i am without even adding the complicating factor of sexuality into it. One day i want to sit down with my mum and asked her what happened, to ask why i turned out this way, why i am so wrong. Did she have a trauma in pregnancy? was she exposed to nuclear waste which made me like men instead of giving me the power of flight. Did she eat seafood? did she not get enough of a certain vitamin? or too much of it? maybe she did too much exercise, or maybe she listened to too much Abba when i was in the womb? or maybe it was as i was growing up, did she let me play with toys that boys shouldn't play with, did she discipline me too much? or was it not enough? or did she feed me the wrong food? was i weaned too soon? or maybe i fell over and smashed my skull in when playing. maybe i ate too much mud? Whatever the reason, weather it be small or big, it messed my life up so badly i dont even know what to do. one of the worst things as a human you can ever feel, is not knowing yourself. i really dont know myself. And the worst part of it is, i dont want to learn things about myself. sometimes i really wish it could all be over. sometimes when i lay in bed before i sleep, i think about what my life would be like if i had turned out a bit more normal.

its just, people expect you to react to certain situations in a certain way, and i can never seem to get it right, and i hate the fact i get so upset over things that i just cant control. i just really wish i could just roll over in bed and never wake up again. or better yet, wake up knowing what is wrong, because i know something is wrong, i left work an hour ago on cloud nine, now im sat here crying in bed contemplating what i am even here for.

life is just too hard, and it dosnt seem that struggling to change it is going to help in any way