Trouble In The Camp

Well this weekend has certainly been a crazy one. Lets start off with Friday.

Due to work supposedly being unable to pay me for the extra hours I did last week, I had to take it as time owing, so basically I got a day without getting paid actual money for it if that makes sense. I was fuming and made sure that I at least got a day off that I actually wanted, rather than being given a day when there was enough people in. I told my section Co, which is sort of like a supervisor, above us lowly mortal shop floor workers but below management. She was really good and gave it to me off. So Thursday night I met up and had a few drinks with my friend Simon. It was so nice to sit and talk about refreshing things like politics, socio-economic policies and radicalism. He asked me if I wanted to go back to his for a bit and I said yes. We ended up cuddling on his sofa for a bit watching the tv. I sort of got the impression that he wanted more, but I didn't know what the hell was going on. I mean when I first met him I liked him not just as a friend, but as more. But he said he wanted me as a friend, and that I'm not the type he goes for. Fair enough, and actually we have become quite good friends. But I got a completely different vibe then, and I wanted to message him and ask him about it but I really don't know how on earth to even begin to ask that question. I thinking h was probably just tired after working all day, and had a couple of drinks and would have hugged anyone. But somehow I don't quite think that's it. And to be brutally honest, I am terrible for misreading situations, I really am.

So Friday morning I woke up feeling really confused. I got dinner for me and Sarah and went to walk her dog Atticus for her as she was working all day. I got covered in mud, especially because Atticus has a bag habit of humping me. A lot. So I dropped him back home after two hours and went home. I got some work done, had a nap, got ready and went back to Sarah's for dinner. We had a few drinks, ate way too much as usual, and went round to Gavin and Emma's for more drinks. The four of us went to Cafe Parfait, are usual drunken haunt to see Richard play. I don't remember even seeing him play. I remember falling over, helping a random girl with a nose bleed and going home with Kim's son Jack, where we talked about politics and immigration. This drunken talking of mine has got to stop!

I don't think I got home til at least 5, and all day Saturday I had the most awful hangover I have had for a long time. I very nearly didn't keep my lunch down, and just really struggled all day. Then of course having slept most of the day, I was up all night peeing and just rolling around the bed. Normal really in all fairness.

Seeing as it was my weekend off, and i had achieved absolutely nothing, i decided to get a bit more done Sunday. So i spent the morning watching episodes of Pingu, Models falling on the catwalk and dodgy auditions from the X factor. I got up, made lunch, did some washing, and then finally got my amazon kindle publishing profile set up. I finished editing my book, and I'm going to sit down and do a final run through later on this week. I'm very excited, I have never got this far before with any of my writing, so even if i only sell three books, then it's an achievement.

I also spent four hours on the phone with Sam today. I think I just don't get him, because he told me, just like Simon did, that he didn't find me attractive, that I was not his type, and that he would be happy if I could be his friend. Do you all see a pattern emerging here? I've never really thought about it, but being friends with gay people is really hard. Actually, saying that, it's hard to be friends with anyone. I wish there was a guidebook to friendship, because I really don't know what I'm doing sometimes, and I think that rubs people up the wrong way. I really get feelings that I am resented at work by people, and the worst thing is sometimes I feel as if there is no one there that really gets me. But then again, I don't get myself, so how on earth could anybody else?

So we were chatting like we always do, then he said something he has never said before. We were sat listening to music over the phone, when he sent me a message saying did I want some willy time. Of course, then the panic set in. Thankfully he seemed okay with my pathetic refusal, but I know he was disappointed, no matter how well he managed to hide it. But I never expected it from him. I don't think I can cope with the emotional stress that these things cause me. And what I think is even worse, is I sit there afterwards and come up with reasons as to why I'm not good enough for them, and the worst one is that I couldn't make them happy. I get so angry with myself, how on earth can I assume that I can't make them happy, I have never even tried to? I can't even make myself happy let alone anyone else.

I think the scariest part is that as I have never been in a serious relationship before. Nothing with me has ever lasted more than a couple of months. The only time it's been longer than that is with James, but that is further from a relationship then Pluto is to the sun. But I think I need to be in one, because at the moment, I need emotional support and motivation to start the changes to allow me to follow the right track further down the line. But at the end of the day, that all boils down to me.

The one thing that scares me more than being by myself all my life, becoming a recluse and eventually dying alone, is the thought of doing it all with someone else. I can't even begin as to how terrifying the notion is that someone thinks about me, cares about my day and wants to see my wearing something small but nice when they come home from work some nights.

I'm sorry to beat on about these things at the moment, but this is the only place where I feel I can say it, without fear of reprisals. I just feel like the people I usually share these feeling with, are all in their own lives, and I hate to bother them. One of them, I have had a bit of a falling out with, but I don't think she realizes that the things she says to me really hurt, and the fact that she sent me a link to a wikipedia page about the condition she thinks I have really got my back up. My other two close friends are both in relationship's and they are both really happy, so I don't want to rain on their parades.

I know exactly what is going to happen. I'm going to ignore everything, and pretend that it will sort itself out if I leave it long enough. Of course we all know I'm going to do that, I just wish I knew what was the right path to take. One, that would hopefully give me the best result with as little embarrassment and self humiliation as possible along the way.