Musings

Morning and a happy first of November to you all.

I think i am still in a state of shock. Ive spent all night working the shoe department, although it feels more like it worked me! It was an utter mess, and the delivery we had just didnt fill it, there are gaps everywhere, and i have had to combine lines on the same drop just to make it look fuller.

The worst part was that it involved a lot of crawling on the floor to reach the bottom shelves, and i am thoughroughly disgusting. The floor is a dust trap at the best of times and my nails look the worst. Well i say nails. I currently have one which is long enough to warrant the title of a nail. I am a horrendus nail biter, like i am constantly chewing on them, and i have no idea why. Its not like i am even anxious when i do it, becuase i chew them whatever emotion or mood i am feeling/in. Even when im happy i find myself gnawing away. Maybe its something psychological, or maybe it is just habit. Well whatever it is, i seem to be beating it. Well a tenth of it i suppose.

I started work in a bit of a mood. Maybe mood isnt the best way to describe it, but i wasnt happy. I got some abuse at the bus stop. "Excuse me" this 14 year old girl shouted over to me rudely. "Are you a boy or girl?" i ignored her, and she shouted over "are you a tranny?" 
I could feel myself wanting to go over and to give her a black eye. I hate it when people think they can just ask questions like that willy nilly (excuse the pun) It really irritates me, especially becuase if they were in your position and you asked that, they would blow a fuse, but yet if i blow a fuse, then you would get branded a psyco and that would be that. You would end up being sectioned and eventually everyone would know what a freak you were and there would be an ensuing pogrom.

But thats what i think would happen, i know a lot of people are fine with it, and would embrace it. But i still fins it hard to accept. Its not denial, its more, i dunno, like i am waiting for a sign so i can accept it. Like Whoopi Goldburg coming into work to bless me and to invite me to join a nunnery where i can become what i will become. I still really toy with the idea. Like i want to, but the main fact that puts me off most is that im scared i will look down and freak out at what i see. They literally make me feel nausious.So maybe its not a good idea. One day i hope i will find some form of a happy medium.

It makes me feel really awkward when people ask the dreaded question "How long have you been gay?" and i always feel like saying "All my life, when did you decide to be straight?" but i feel rude saying it, and frankly it then can cause a bit of almost aminosity (i think thats the right word). to be honest, i dont think there was ever a main focal point when my fairy god mother flew down, sprinkled me with glitter and taught me all the words to all the musicals. i think she must have ran out of time on the parking meter or something, becuase she forgot the fashion and dance master classes and instead gave me the ability to laugh at everything and yet nothing at the same time.


My section co-ordinator Angela just said good Morning and called me a "Mad Fish" because i stayed behind an hour to finsih off the shoes. Angela is great, she's really nice, and she really looks after us. I think i fustrate her, becuase i am always clocking in and out early and late becuase of all the extra i do, and it flags up and gives her loads of virtual paperwork on the computer for her to do. She always jokes "Oh if i was your mother".

I often feel bad leaving work on time. i know thats the time i am supposed to finish, but i think to myself, i started this and i need to finish it, because for a start someone who takes over probably has no idea how i work and the strange systems and ideas i use to make it work, and also its my baby. As bad as it sounds, i like to hear people talk about it, and if someone says good job to me it really means the world to me. It just means that ive done something right, and it can counteract all the other things which i muck up and do wrong (believe me there are hundreds)

While on the night shifts, i usually think and plan other things in life. Sometimes its little ideas like an idea for a short story or a video, or its bigger things, like job opportunities and moving out. Today was the future, and my education. I finished college over a year ago, and i do kind of miss it. I miss my friends from college, and i miss learning new things all the time. I would love to maybe to a journalism course, or maybe a creative writing course, becuase i would love to be a writer, especially for like stories with an added twist of fantasy and mystical elements.

I suppose i had better go, i should really go to them gym, especially as i am seeing results.One of my best friends Sarah, who is a size 6 told me i was looking really skinny. I was proper happy to hear that, especially as no one had yet noticed. I really want to relax and go on tumblr for a bit. I might do, i may change my mind as i wander down the stairs to the bus stop. Well have a great day, and i will see you tonight hopefully.