Back to school
The kids have all gone back to school today (Thank god!) so I guess a school themed post was inevitable.
School is a difficult place, even if you are a normal kid. There is intense pressure to study and work hard, your body is raging with hormones, and nothing seems fast enough. Thats is hard enough as it is. Throw in a curveball. Take me for example. I was bullied nonstop throught my entire time at school right from primary, to secondary to college about being gay. It is so damn hard to sit in a room and study something you have no interest in, while the people behind you whisper homophobic slurs. It got to the point that when people shouted gayboy, I used to respond, almost as if it was my name. I think thats where a lot of issues come from, I tried to run away a few times as a kid, and I spent (and still do) far too much time in my own fantasy world, where these things meant nothing. And that's the case today. The real world and my world are too very different, non-conforming and most importantly, never meeting.
But thats another story, one which I don't think the world is ready to hear. And maybe even too early for me to tell.
But you can see why so many problems in society are from schools and education. No one told me what I was feeling was normal. They all say, you will find the opposite sex attractive, no hanky panky behind the bike sheds, periods, wet dreams blah blah blah, but they don't tell you about how you will actually be feeling. Confused, scared, even now I don't quite understand what I am. Yes I am a gay man, but I do have transgender thoughts and tendancies, and I also have asexual periods where nothing is attractive. I mean literally nothing. Nothing prepares you for this at school, you are left to your own devices while everyone chat's to each other about it. I knew that I wasn't right, and growing up thinking you have something wrong with you is awful.
The other difficult thing about growing up is sexual choices. When we had sex ed in school, you watched a video of a naked man and woman, the bits and bobs were labelled and highlighted, a brief description with very odd diagrams of the penis ejaculating in a vagina, and that was about it. Nothing about the importance of foreplay, or even incredibly basic things such as lubes. I knew that a condom had to be worn during sex, but I had no idea how to put one on. But the strangest part of all, is the fact you don't understand why you are attracted to things. I knew from a young age that I liked to be tied up, but I didn't understand why. And it was never explained what is a fetish and what is acceptable to the general populace.
I guess hindsight is a great thing. Maybe if I had been more informed then I wouldn't have made some of the bad decisions that I have done. But I understand you can't just go into schools and preach about wearing all sorts and hanging from a light fitting, It's not right, but definatly there needs to be more work done to show kid's that liking men is not a bad thing, and so isn't not liking anyone at all. There is such a lack of knowledge in schools about these things. I mean I have learnt a lot of what I know now from watching porn and blue movies. Is that the correct way to learn? I don't think so.
(Although it has helped me learn a lot of pretty intense positions!)
But the downside with porn is that it destroys your self confidence. You look at these men, buffed and toned to perfection, taking part in sometimes very risky activities, and you assume it's normal. I certainly did, so my first ever boyfriend was certainly in for a shock when I went at him with a piece of washing line rope.
That makes me laugh, because I am such a different person then to what I am now. I thought I was a top, that I like to tie other people and play with them.
WRONG!
And that has all come from life experience. These thing's arn't something you can teach in schools, and in all honestly, I don't thinkt hey ever should. But there needs to be much more transparency and help for kid's who are like me. Those who don't know what they like, or what they do like, or even don't like anything or everything. We should support them and show them that it's okay to like what they like, and not to hang thier heads in shame because they think they are freaks.
In all fairness, maybe it's somethign adults should try. I read something in the paper a little while ago about a man leaving his wife after thirty years of marriage and couple of kids. Imagine how bad she must feel, almost like she has failed as a wife. But how can you push feelings away like that? I know years ago it was not nearly as acceptable as it is today, and less acceptable than what it will be in another thirty years say.
People need to be honest about themselves, it's pointless hiding behind a false pretence. There are enough people in the world who are dictated as to what they can say, be or even think. If you are in a place where you can be yourself, then do it. So many people long for that sort of freedom that we take for granted.
I know our life isn't perfect. I still get abuse because of what I am, and although I don't always accept or understand it, I don't hide it. I try my best with what I have, and that's all you can ask of yourself.
And that concludes today's blog post. Crikey, I've crossed a lot of topics there, Im rather impressed with myself! I will be back soon, after I finish work I'm going to rush home and start planning a book that I had the idea for while on the fitting room earlier.
School is a difficult place, even if you are a normal kid. There is intense pressure to study and work hard, your body is raging with hormones, and nothing seems fast enough. Thats is hard enough as it is. Throw in a curveball. Take me for example. I was bullied nonstop throught my entire time at school right from primary, to secondary to college about being gay. It is so damn hard to sit in a room and study something you have no interest in, while the people behind you whisper homophobic slurs. It got to the point that when people shouted gayboy, I used to respond, almost as if it was my name. I think thats where a lot of issues come from, I tried to run away a few times as a kid, and I spent (and still do) far too much time in my own fantasy world, where these things meant nothing. And that's the case today. The real world and my world are too very different, non-conforming and most importantly, never meeting.
But thats another story, one which I don't think the world is ready to hear. And maybe even too early for me to tell.
But you can see why so many problems in society are from schools and education. No one told me what I was feeling was normal. They all say, you will find the opposite sex attractive, no hanky panky behind the bike sheds, periods, wet dreams blah blah blah, but they don't tell you about how you will actually be feeling. Confused, scared, even now I don't quite understand what I am. Yes I am a gay man, but I do have transgender thoughts and tendancies, and I also have asexual periods where nothing is attractive. I mean literally nothing. Nothing prepares you for this at school, you are left to your own devices while everyone chat's to each other about it. I knew that I wasn't right, and growing up thinking you have something wrong with you is awful.
The other difficult thing about growing up is sexual choices. When we had sex ed in school, you watched a video of a naked man and woman, the bits and bobs were labelled and highlighted, a brief description with very odd diagrams of the penis ejaculating in a vagina, and that was about it. Nothing about the importance of foreplay, or even incredibly basic things such as lubes. I knew that a condom had to be worn during sex, but I had no idea how to put one on. But the strangest part of all, is the fact you don't understand why you are attracted to things. I knew from a young age that I liked to be tied up, but I didn't understand why. And it was never explained what is a fetish and what is acceptable to the general populace.
I guess hindsight is a great thing. Maybe if I had been more informed then I wouldn't have made some of the bad decisions that I have done. But I understand you can't just go into schools and preach about wearing all sorts and hanging from a light fitting, It's not right, but definatly there needs to be more work done to show kid's that liking men is not a bad thing, and so isn't not liking anyone at all. There is such a lack of knowledge in schools about these things. I mean I have learnt a lot of what I know now from watching porn and blue movies. Is that the correct way to learn? I don't think so.
(Although it has helped me learn a lot of pretty intense positions!)
But the downside with porn is that it destroys your self confidence. You look at these men, buffed and toned to perfection, taking part in sometimes very risky activities, and you assume it's normal. I certainly did, so my first ever boyfriend was certainly in for a shock when I went at him with a piece of washing line rope.
That makes me laugh, because I am such a different person then to what I am now. I thought I was a top, that I like to tie other people and play with them.
WRONG!
And that has all come from life experience. These thing's arn't something you can teach in schools, and in all honestly, I don't thinkt hey ever should. But there needs to be much more transparency and help for kid's who are like me. Those who don't know what they like, or what they do like, or even don't like anything or everything. We should support them and show them that it's okay to like what they like, and not to hang thier heads in shame because they think they are freaks.
In all fairness, maybe it's somethign adults should try. I read something in the paper a little while ago about a man leaving his wife after thirty years of marriage and couple of kids. Imagine how bad she must feel, almost like she has failed as a wife. But how can you push feelings away like that? I know years ago it was not nearly as acceptable as it is today, and less acceptable than what it will be in another thirty years say.
People need to be honest about themselves, it's pointless hiding behind a false pretence. There are enough people in the world who are dictated as to what they can say, be or even think. If you are in a place where you can be yourself, then do it. So many people long for that sort of freedom that we take for granted.
I know our life isn't perfect. I still get abuse because of what I am, and although I don't always accept or understand it, I don't hide it. I try my best with what I have, and that's all you can ask of yourself.
And that concludes today's blog post. Crikey, I've crossed a lot of topics there, Im rather impressed with myself! I will be back soon, after I finish work I'm going to rush home and start planning a book that I had the idea for while on the fitting room earlier.
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