November 2022 - Part Two - Rice Pudding Bowls

 November brought some nicer weather, with some cold but bright days. Work was getting busier, christmas stock was flowing in rapidly, and I was running out of places to put it. Every shelf was full, every spare unit was full, I was putting as much on the tills as possible to try and get it moving, you couldn't move in the warehouse it was so full. Pallets everywhere. The random deliveries continued, I received another 500 bottles of food colouring, as well as so many stock cubes I had a whole shelf dedicated to them in the warehouse. We were also inundated with crackers, but that I didn't mind so much, because we were constantly filling them!

We also had some renovations at home, the bathroom had been redecorated and redone, and it was looking rather beautiful!

Talk about a posh place to take a crap! 

The good weather continued, and we headed up to Whitchurch to see the ducks. We were the only ones there, and they were more than happy to quack at us when we weren't giving them the birdseed quick enough!

November also brought news that the population of Earth had reached 8 billion. That number amazes me! 8 billion people on the planet. Thats a number that I can't even comprehend! It was predicted that India would soon overtake China as the world's most populated country. 

Here in the UK, things were starting to happen. Covid cases and deaths continued to drop, but economically, things were not so good. It started with the Bank of England raising interest rates by 0.75%, the biggest hike in 35 years, as inflation continued to rise, hitting a whopping 11.1%. I was starting to notice prices rising across the store, particularly on the fresh foods.  There was one week where it seemed I was changing the prices of every item in the store. This coincided with the announcement that many strikes were going on strike, nurses & train drivers over pay. Nurse's I could understand, but train drivers had been striking on and off for years, and it was causing a ridiculous amount of disruption. Especially when you think about how much a train driver earns, for driving a train. I've driven a train on a computer game, bar crashing twice, it was easy!

It was also found that not just the police forces in the UK were racist, misogynistic or homophobia, but the London fire brigade too. Is there any profession that is none of those things?

I also found a box of fortune cookies at the back of the cupboard at home. They were out of date, and still tasted good, so I ate them. But I was insulted by one of the fortune labels! I didn't think I was that unorganised! I also made rice pudding, with my new rice pudding dish. This maybe just a thing our family does, but we all seem to have certain dishes for certain foods, and they only get used for that purpose. One of my Nans had a white oval dish that she only ever cooked macaroni cheese in, and we would take turns (along with my Granddad and Brother) scraping the crispy bits off the sides. It was the same for my Great Nan. She used to make us rice pudding every time we went to see her. We would always make her eat the skin from the top, and eat the delicious rice underneath. I loved my Great Nan, she was just such a wonderful person. She was the stereotypical Nan in some ways, full of love, full of care, and she made you feel wanted & loved. In other ways, she used to make us laugh. I remember her once with her having rollers in her hair, leaning out of the window to shout at my Great Grandad because he was running over her flowers with his cultivator, and flattening them. He was stone deaf, but I think sometimes chose not to hear her. She also had a small tin of dried runner bean seeds that she used for baking with. She would blind bake a pastry, with parchment paper and the beans on top. However, we used to play with them, along with a little brass ornamental teapot and a spoon.

We had a big chest of toys in her conservatory, but all me and my brother wanted to play with was the beans and brass teapot. Simple minds, or something like that! Growing up, I think in some ways I was such a lucky child. I had six grandparents, and 3 great grandparents. I was surrounded by family, I was close with my cousins who we saw most weekends, spending time playing together in Nans garden. I felt loved and wanted, and what a special feeling that is.

Things changed as I started to get older. As I was in primary school, the bullying started. Little bits at first, but by the time I reached year six, it was unbearable. Then came the promise of a new secondary school. I thought things were going to be different, but it was worse in fact. The bullying continued, and intensified. I would frequently come home with bruises from being punched and kicked. I used to sometimes walk a very long way home, to avoid everyone else as we finished school. I had a couple of friends, but not many. And against a school of hundreds of pupils? I felt alone. I remember being attacked by one boy in the playground, and when I told a teacher, they promised to deal with it. But it only made it worse, because then him and his friends would wait for me at the school gates. My parents were once invited into the school for a meeting, and all that happened was I got put into isolation for a couple of days to "keep me safe".

I think that's where so much of my anxiety and stress comes from. This constant feeling of looking over your shoulder, waiting for the next attack or barrage of abuse. Even now, as an adult I feel it. Not all the time, but now and again, I suddenly brace myself for an attack that I feel is imminent. It kept happening as a young adult too, with various events happening to me, and it makes me often think that life would be easier if I wasn't here. That I wouldn't have to keep looking over my shoulder, waiting for the next assault. I suppose in some ways, I am an easy target. I'm gay, and unfortunately, I look, sound and act gay. And I can't always help it. I try to dress plainly and modestly where possible, I try not to talk about things that would give away my sexual orientation. I even try to steer away from groups of men in case something happens. All of my friends are either female or gay men. I do not have any straight male friends, except for my brother. Of course I will chat to my female friends partners and friends if we meet, but I do not seek out their company. Straight men are unpredictable and easily provoked, I learned that at school. So I avoid them as much as possible. I know how ridiculous that sounds, but for me, it's a safety net.

Anxiety is so difficult to relate to, because it presents so differently in people. I'm quite a loud, open person, and when I talk about how anxious I get, people don't always get it. To be fair, I don't always get it either. There are situations where I think I should feel anxious but don't, whereas there's other situations where I should feel calm and relaxed, except I don't, and I can feel the Anxiety creeping in. I think also, I used to drink too much, and nights out became a reason to get drunk and take drugs, to numb the anxious feeling.

I think that's why I love travelling so much, it's almost like the second I leave home, I can feel my anxiety lift. It's still there, but it is so much more manageable, and keeping busy keeps it at bay. When I am travelling, I am free to go wherever I want to, if I don't like somewhere, then I just move on somewhere new. That freedom gives me such a rush, and I feel free of stress & anxiety. Of course, there's places where you don't feel as free as others, but when I'm away, I'm almost anonymous, and I like it that way.

Funny how off topic I've gotten, I'm supposed to be writing about rice pudding of all things! I feel that sometimes I can write about what I really feel on the blog. It seems none of the people that view my blog are from the UK, so I suppose there's no chance of anyone I know reading it. It's funny, because I've never told anyone I know the address of the blog. It's like I want to share my story, but anonymously. And it's much easier to write on here, than it is to actually speak it out loud. I almost feel ashamed to say these things out loud to people. I've had several different councillors through life and I've never always found it fully helpful. It just kept bringing things up again that I wasn't ready to deal with yet. Maybe it's time to start again. I'm not sure. I feel like it's better to discuss these things this way.

But anyway, to honour the family tradition of only using certain bowls for certain foods, I went to Robins Nest in Southampton, this sort of second hand place where you can buy just about anything, James stopped me from playing a taxidermied cat wearing a fedora on an Arabian style carpet. But I found the bowel, and it just looked like a perfect rice pudding bowl. So I took it home, gave it a good wash and made rice pudding for everyone. Except it turns out no one else at home likes rice pudding, so I ate it all myself. 

And I loved every second of it!