Gritty thinking
Today so far I have attended to two first aid incidents. The one just now was fine, just a cut finger in the fitting room. The first one was an elderly lady falling down the escalator. I think she will be fine, we got the ambulance out and they patched her up and took her in. But there were two things that I'm really thinking hard about.
The first was just the speed of which everything went back to normal. As soon as she was off the escalator and we were taking her away, the escalator was checked over, and switched back on, the blood was cleaned up, the rubbish thrown away, and it was almost like nothing had even happened. I guess maybe that's for the best, if we all stood about thinking about it, well it could get us all down. Just like it's doing to me.
The second thought I had really scared me. And when I say scared, I mean I am terrified. Nothing more fills me with horror. Not a lot scares me, short term or long term. Yes I don't like spiders or large amounts of water, fair enough. And long term, the thought of maybe being single/in a relationship or not being able to own my own house is a frightning thought. Not even death scares me. I would open my arms to it, because when my time comes, it's pointless trying to avoid it, and it would just be nice to be at peace with myself for eternity.
But my worst fear is someone dying on me. But that in itself dosn't frighten me too much. When I started training to be a first aider, we were all told, one day you may have a fatality. While of course I'm hoping it never happens to me. There have been a few times it's been close, but so far no resusitacion has been needed. When the time come's, I will have to step up and deal with it. But my biggest fear?
As organ's fail, the breathing slows, the person's brain function gradually draws to a close, as thier hearing stops, thier sight vanishes, the last person they will see is me. Out of all the people they have ever come across in thier lives, I will be the last one they have contact with, in thier final moments of existance. And that, is a truely horrifying thought.
We all would like to die surrounded by family and friends. We would all want to go, in a happy place, with loved one's by our side, as our final seconds tick by. But that's just not possible. And the worst thing is not being able to say goodbye properly. Just imagine, say your grandmother, collapsed and died while shopping in Mark's and Spencers. The last face she saw, the last voice she heard, the last contact she had, was with me. Someone you have never met before, and probably never will again. Someone you know nothing about, you don't know what I look like...you don't even know my name. I'm just the transitional ghost, trying to keep them here, all the while feeling her slip away. Does that not terrify you? Because it does terrify me. And it truely is a horrible thought, that you could just drop dead, and the last person you spoke to was a traffic warden, someone in a shop, hell, it could even have been the postman.
It's depressing to think that we will all be gone. In a century, in a decade, a few years, a couple of months, a few weeks, three days...Eleven minutes. And you are gone, in a blink of an eye, it's over, finito, kaput, the end. And you never even knew the last person you spoke to.
There's no remedy for the situation, It's something we have no control over, no ounce of pushing power, we are all helpless when it comes.
But when it does come, and when I am the last person the ever be in contact with someone, I want them to know that I think I'm a nice person, that I want to be an auther one day, that when I move out I want to buy a cat named Mogg, I like noodles, beef chow mein is my favourate, I want to learn every language in the world, my best friend's dog loves prawn crackers and like's to hump my leg, that I wish I could dance like Kate bush, that sometimes I like to just to burst into song because I dammed want to, that I hate olives and mashed potato, that I own a lava lamp, all of that and more. But the thing I really want them to know...
...Is that I tried my best, and always will.
The first was just the speed of which everything went back to normal. As soon as she was off the escalator and we were taking her away, the escalator was checked over, and switched back on, the blood was cleaned up, the rubbish thrown away, and it was almost like nothing had even happened. I guess maybe that's for the best, if we all stood about thinking about it, well it could get us all down. Just like it's doing to me.
The second thought I had really scared me. And when I say scared, I mean I am terrified. Nothing more fills me with horror. Not a lot scares me, short term or long term. Yes I don't like spiders or large amounts of water, fair enough. And long term, the thought of maybe being single/in a relationship or not being able to own my own house is a frightning thought. Not even death scares me. I would open my arms to it, because when my time comes, it's pointless trying to avoid it, and it would just be nice to be at peace with myself for eternity.
But my worst fear is someone dying on me. But that in itself dosn't frighten me too much. When I started training to be a first aider, we were all told, one day you may have a fatality. While of course I'm hoping it never happens to me. There have been a few times it's been close, but so far no resusitacion has been needed. When the time come's, I will have to step up and deal with it. But my biggest fear?
As organ's fail, the breathing slows, the person's brain function gradually draws to a close, as thier hearing stops, thier sight vanishes, the last person they will see is me. Out of all the people they have ever come across in thier lives, I will be the last one they have contact with, in thier final moments of existance. And that, is a truely horrifying thought.
We all would like to die surrounded by family and friends. We would all want to go, in a happy place, with loved one's by our side, as our final seconds tick by. But that's just not possible. And the worst thing is not being able to say goodbye properly. Just imagine, say your grandmother, collapsed and died while shopping in Mark's and Spencers. The last face she saw, the last voice she heard, the last contact she had, was with me. Someone you have never met before, and probably never will again. Someone you know nothing about, you don't know what I look like...you don't even know my name. I'm just the transitional ghost, trying to keep them here, all the while feeling her slip away. Does that not terrify you? Because it does terrify me. And it truely is a horrible thought, that you could just drop dead, and the last person you spoke to was a traffic warden, someone in a shop, hell, it could even have been the postman.
It's depressing to think that we will all be gone. In a century, in a decade, a few years, a couple of months, a few weeks, three days...Eleven minutes. And you are gone, in a blink of an eye, it's over, finito, kaput, the end. And you never even knew the last person you spoke to.
There's no remedy for the situation, It's something we have no control over, no ounce of pushing power, we are all helpless when it comes.
But when it does come, and when I am the last person the ever be in contact with someone, I want them to know that I think I'm a nice person, that I want to be an auther one day, that when I move out I want to buy a cat named Mogg, I like noodles, beef chow mein is my favourate, I want to learn every language in the world, my best friend's dog loves prawn crackers and like's to hump my leg, that I wish I could dance like Kate bush, that sometimes I like to just to burst into song because I dammed want to, that I hate olives and mashed potato, that I own a lava lamp, all of that and more. But the thing I really want them to know...
...Is that I tried my best, and always will.
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