Crazed?

Well it has been a crazy end to the week. I worked four days, yet managed to cram 45 hours into those four days. Long shifts, coupled with an unhealthy and stimulating work space, have really led to me feeling low this weekend. Lack of progress with my current project, a row with one of my friends and a lack of interaction with others has really made me feel low. This morning when my alarm went off I really needed to cry. Not wanted, Needed.

The long hours did me in, I worked 7-8 Wednesday, Friday and Saturday, and 8 to 5 today. The store was manic with offers, short staffed as always, and no help from management really took it's toll. One hell of a bitch really made me leave on Saturday night feeling like I couldn't go on. The store I work in is such an unimaginative environment, it gives me no drive to get anything done, I just do the things i have to do, rather than wanting to do it and put my own mark on it. That being said, the system is designed to stamp our creativity and turn us into drones. Even today, I was told I was too friendly and chirpy while serving customers on the till's. If that's not a kick in the teeth then nothing is. It frustrates me, and I'm not being big headed when I say this, but I like to think I give great customer service, Customers are always ringing in or mentioning me on customer surveys saying they enjoyed being served by me, that I am friendly, helpful and above all, an individual. But it seems like that's not enough.

I think the fact that all of my close friends at work have all had the week or weekend off. I get on really well with most people at work, and I love them all to bits because everyone is great. But having all the people I'm really close to off was a bit of a bummer, as I couldn't really vent to anyone properly.

This was made worse by the fact I had a falling out with my friend last night. He has been flying really close to the wind recently, as he loves to take the absolute piss out of me because I HAVE to work a lot. But unfortunately that is life, If I didn't have to work, I wouldn't. simple. But to have it used against you and used to bash you really got my back up. And then he had a go at me for being too "Sexual". Bearing in mind I used no graphic words, and just told him I was feeling unnecessary, this was ridiculous. To show I was joking, I even said I was so unnecessary I would do the splits, while singing fever, while wearing a hat covered in plastic fruit and holding a cat. He acted like I was being a prick and blocked me on whatsapp. I couldn't believe it, I felt so hurt and angry about it I very nearly made a resolution to never speak to him again. And he phoned me a minute ago and made out nothing was wrong. The problem is, I hate having to say no to people, so I end up getting mugged off much more than anyone ever should be. Maybe I need to really start to stand up for myself and start saying no. But the thing is I really liked him, more than just a friend, and fair enough he said he didn't like me that and wanted to be friends. I have no problem with that, as I have other friends that started off as crushes and now I am quite good friends with them. But I feel like he knows that, and uses it for leverage. I don't know, I just get the feeling I'm being used.

The other thing that was getting to me this week was my lack of progress writing wise. I've got a thousand projects I want to work on, but can't. I've started a horror fiction, although in all fairness it feels a bit crap. I did a fair bit yesterday, and some today and it seems to be picking up the pace, but you know when you just arn't very sure on how things are going. I don't know what genre I should be writing, or even if I should be writing at all! I just wish I could make the decision and work out where I need to go and what I need to do to get going. Before I know it I'm going to have done forty years in retail and regretting every second of it.

But that said, in all fairness I need to gain some confidence and some drive towards a goal. I make goals, but they tend to be short term, and they never really seem to further my life career wise. Quite often they just make me happy for a bit, although I have no way to share my success or even pleasure in getting somewhere with anyone. First of all, to most people it probably means nothing, secondly there isn't an audience for things like that, and perhaps most importantly, I don't feel comfortable sharing. It's like when I published New Fields. I was so, well I don't even know how I felt, But I couldn't promote it to anyone at work. The only person I showed was Becky, and never once did I feel I could say go and buy it. I just wanted to show someone to prove to myself that it had actually happened. There was someone that used to work at work a while ago who published several successful books, and it was the talk of the store. I really couldn't cope with that much of a high profile there. Everyone already knows me, and I was mortified when someone came up and asked me about it. Bless, my mum was really proud when I told her I had published my book, and she told people at work about it, which I hadn't done, so everyone kept pressing me for details. To be honest, it was nice for both Mum and My Nan to be so supportive when I told them, and it is one of the best feelings in the world when someone says they are proud of you, but I'm so terrified people will read my book and hate it, and hate me for it because it's terrible. I know I am biased but I think it's quite good. But we shall have to see, I havn't checked how many I have sold recently, I'm hoping this week has been better for it.

I think the other thing is that it's very personal to me. Its the product of my lunch breaks, staying up all night writing, and even editing and changing things on the bus to work. All of the characters are my friends (Even Elaiza and Daniel!) And it feels so so strange sharing them with the world. I'm almost scared of people criticising them, after all, you wouldn't let someone bitch about your best friend to you would you?

But I digress, In order to cheer myself up on Friday I started reading Bridget Jones's diary. While not as good as the film's, it has still made me chuckle. It's nice to be so personally involved in a person, all the while being able to step back and say "Yes, This has happened to me too"

But to save my dignity I won't give any examples :P