Something on my mind

Something has been playing on my mind a lot the past couple of days.
On Sunday, I saw James, and we cooked dinner together. We had a nice evening, he made me a Moscow mule, I brought the dinner round and we made cheating fritatas and and I told him about the guy I met on Thursday.He didn't seem very interested, which was odd because usually we tell each other about these things.
Then as I was getting ready to go home, we spoke a bit more, and he said something like you don't love a lover.
As in, you go into a relationship with someone and you become best friends, you don't become lovers. Especially in our world where our kinks are the driving force in the bedroom, not necessarily the intercourse. (Or in my case, not even the intercourse, it's all about the kink)
Am I just being a hopeless romantic, or am I maybe even being old fashioned? I want to love someone as my best friend, my soul mate, I want to be with them forever, but I want my kinks to be a apart of that. I don't want to be loving my partner, while out searching for someone else to satisfy my libido. Thats not going to happen.
But what if it does? It's been going round and round in my mind since Sunday. Is that really the only way I am going to get a relationship to work? if the guy I'm with doesn't like what I'm into, what happens next? Do I go elsewhere for it, do I then tell him, or leave him blissfully unaware? Or the worst question. Do I just pretend and go along with everything else, and never actually enjoy a kink session for the rest of my life? Thats a really scary prospect.
And the difficult part is, I have no idea which way it's going to go. I thought about this all night. Like, I'm starting to get back into the swing of things. I'm finding I can now watch thing's like anal intercourse in porn, and not grimace, feel sick or even look away. And thats progress, I went from someone who did it a lot, although it was never my first port of call, to being physically unable to do it. It's  now over 18 months down the line. Thing's have changed, I have changed, but it's still the elephant in the room with me.
Now it's a big deal for me. Ever since I was sexually assaulted, it's taken a long time to get anything to go there. I made the mistake of trying to rush into it soon after, to try and make it feel normal again. That badly backfired, and made things worse. it was a long while before even something as small and trivial like a tiny butt plug could go up there, without triggering a panic attack. I've got to the best stage yet, but I think this is where I will stay. Some of you will understand me when I say that sex is a very intimate thing. For me, a kink session is very dependable on many variables. Sometimes it's amazing, others not, it can be brash, bold, or quiet and understated. But I don't view it to be an intimate meeting, for want of a better word. I wouldn't just do it with anyone, but it's a fairly open part of my life to those who know about it. Its the sex part that is the intimate part for me. Because you will always remember everyone that goes there. Always. No amount of healing or help will make you forget that. The names might disappear, their faces might go blurry or fuzzed out, but the fact remains that they have been there. That will never be forgotten.
I feel that I can do it now. I have reached a stage where my confidence has come back probably as best as it ever will do. If I liked and trusted the person, then I could do it.
But I can't do it all the time. I used to be able to do it twice three times a day with various boyfriends. Now, it would be once, and then a while to recover. Maybe a day, maybe more. I don't know if I could deny someone else that, especially, if like me, they were very dependant on one particular kink or fetish.

Does anyone else ever find this? Does anyone else know what the way forward is? Do I just cut my losses, and accept that if I ever find my soul mate, that I will have to find another for proper sex, or that I will end up having to say goodbye to my kink and my possessions, and live with someone amazing, without ever being able to be passionate again?
Either way, it's going to hurt me. And probably the other person. But now that brings me back to my original question. Can you love your lover?

Please, please dear god tell me the answer is yes. Because otherwise, I don't think I can face it if it isn't...