April 2022 - Beautiful orchids & flat tyres

 April finally brought Spring weather, albeit with a lot of rain. But I wasn't going to complain, it was nice to have some time in the garden, and it was nice to be able to spend time outside properly for a change. Husky didn't seem to agree, and I came home from work one day to find him in my hoodie!

We also had a nice half day out (I was working the very late shift!) where James took me to Bramber to see the castle. This was pretty much it, but it was lovely to spend some time wandering around and visiting the cute little historic village. It is the remains of a Norman era Motte & Bailey castle, which was gradually fortified over time. However, the castle suffered more damage from subsidence than it did action, particularly during the English Civil war, although the English Heritage website says it may have possibly been used by Parliamentarian forces in the war. The shift at work was more exciting, I was moving some bits about in Poultry, a colleague asked me a question, I turned away, and two seconds later splat. Chicken gravy across the floor.

I dutifully cleaned up the spillage, and two minutes later. Splat, another one gone. Turned out the shelf was broken, and everything was just sliding to the edge of the shelf. At least it wasn't the fish stock though, that stuff stinks. I can tell you that, because one of my colleagues dropped one and it went everywhere. The store smelt gross for days, even though we deep cleaned everything!

The weekend gave us a chance to do a little more, and James took me to Houghton Lodge Gardens, a beautiful set of gardens near Stockbridge, with many different areas, including an orchard, walled garden, kitchen garden and oriental style gardens. The fruit tree above was laden with blossom, and it was great to see the bees rushing around being busy. Sorry, that sounds like a very bad attempt at some Spring inspired poetry!

While the house is private, the gardens are all open and you can go where you please. There is this beautiful lawn, perfect for a picnic.

And I loved the greenhouse, with a fantastic view of ferns, mosses and orchids. I love orchids, I know that's a popular opinion (for a change) but the time and effort that goes into making them look the way they do is just tremendous. Mine never look like that, they always look so scraggly and miserable, despite giving them my best efforts. Perhaps I should just give up and get fake ones!

If you wish to visit the gardens and marvel at their orchids, you can find out more information at their website: Houghton Lodge Gardens

But alas! Our calm, tranquil day was interrupted, when we were driving back. James hit a pothole. Within a second of it happening, a warning light came on, and he pulled over to see what was going on. Turns out, we now had a flat tyre! He called the breakdown company down, who fitted us with a space saver wheel. It looked ridiculous, a small wheel on the car. Good job we didn't have to wait too long, I was needing a wee, and was just working up the courage to knock on the door of a nearby house to beg to use the loo when the repair chappie arrived. Anyway, thankfully it got us home, and a couple of days later got a new wheel fitted at Kwik-fit.

Another attempt at a poke bowl, this time with goat mince marinated in teriyaki sauce. It was actually really, really good. Will try that again sometime

And this, may just be the best omelette I have ever cooked. I can never get them right, it either turns into scrambled egg or just some sort of egg mush. But patience is a virtue, and while it probably needed another minute or so to melt the cheese, it was starting to burn a little on the bottom. I was so pleased at how it had turned out. So pleased in fact, that I made another one the next day for James to demonstrate my skills. He just looked at it sadly and said "this is just lumpy scrambled eggs". Darn it!

The only other thing of note in April was my driving test. I had been practicing for weeks for it, doing my revision and trying to feel prepared. I had been feeling positive about it, I wasn't sure if I would pass, but I knew that I maybe had a chance. I had a lesson before it, and that's when things started to unravel. My mind kept going blank, I started making silly mistakes that I'd not made in ages, and my confidence plummeted. So I guess it was no surprise that after I had the test, my instructor informed me I had failed. I think I knew that before he even said it. I failed for my signalling & mirrors, undue hesitation, and moving off.

I'd love to blame it on the fact that it was on April the first, and that the fail was an April fools joke, but no such luck there. I'm not going to lie, it shattered my confidence a bit. My driving instructor drove me home, and tried to console me. I said I was going to take a little break from lessons. I wasn't going to do any the next week, as I just wanted a bit of time away from it, seeing how frustrated I was with myself. I promised to text the next week and book in some lessons, but I never did. And at the time of writing, I never did book any more lessons.

I feel like I should do, I really do, but I just don't know if right now I have it in me. I think as a person I have a fear of failure, and sometimes that fear stops me from doing things, because the fear of failing is more than the want or drive to try and accomplish something. I think it's probably something a lot of people can relate to, but sometimes it's crushing, and I can't even try to attempt something.

I guess that's something I've developed over time. I think that's partly due to my childhood. I was bullied for years at school, from year three until college for many things, but mostly because I was "gay". I think the reason now I get so frustrated by the memories of it, was because I had people telling me I was gay before I knew I was gay. And by the time I understood it and finally felt ready to discuss it with people, everyone already knew, and for them it was old news. But for me it was new news. I wanted to share it with people, tell people how I'd worked this out with myself and how hard I'd worked to build up the courage to share it with everyone.

But it was like telling people the sky is blue. They already knew it. And so now, not only had I spent so many years being bullied for being gay, now no one cared if it was. It was irrelevant. And then, as grew out my teenage years and into my early twenties, this anxiety and self doubt continued to grow. It would wax and wane, and it would change. Because what was the point in me talking about these things, when it was irrelevant to the world?

I am such a lucky person. I live in a nice house with my partner, I have great friends, lots of family,  I get to travel the world and do anything I want to do.

I always carry my anxiety with me, and I've learned to cope and deal with it as I've gotten older. Speaking from the future, here in 2025, it's still a mixed bag. Sometimes it's so minor I barely notice it there. Other times it's like being in the middle of a hurricane, blasting me from every side. I cannot sleep, eat, think or even feel anything aside from anxiety.

And I don't know why. I don't know what triggers it, I don't know how to get rid of it. But it's with me all the time, a gnawing sensation in my stomach, and a voice at the back of my head, always telling me I am irrelevant and to be quiet.

I always listen to that little voice, it's always there. Sometimes I manage to ignore it, and I do whatever I want to. Sometimes it's the only voice I can hear, with its never ending flow of negativity & un happiness.

I previously tried medication, and it semi worked, but while the anxiety reduced, the paranoia increased to a point where life was becoming even harder. So now I try to take each day as it comes. I try to write, journal, make art or food, and do the best I can to distract myself when it's there. And for yhr most part, that helps.

I'm so lucky that I have people to talk about it with. My brother & my friends are so supportive, and without them I don't think I would cope. 

So take this as a TED talk. Open up to someone, explain how you are feeling. Let them hear you, and then hear them. Support each other. Often there's nothing we can actually do to stop how we feel, but often just by simply acknowledging them, we can begin a wider conversation about it