Mindless sad ramblings

Human contact is a very odd thing, on the one hand, i desperatly crave and desire it, yet on the other hand, it terrifies me. I want to talk and to learn everything about whatever is around me, people,  items even things like weather patterns. Yet i feel so nervous at talking to people that i kind of freeze up and end up blabbing away about something that i dont even care about. I feel like i almost cant even express myself properly, either in a way that i understand, or in a way that everyone else understands. I feel as if i need to say things in a way that the person listning to me will understand, but it means everything sounds so boring and uninspired, i wonder why anyone even listens to me.

This is especially true today. One of my best friends Ramona, is leaving to work in London. There is so much i want to tell her, but the words just wont come out. I cant even find the words to wish her good luck. I feel like such a bad friend. Everyone else surrounds her, wishing her luck, telling her things to watch out for, asking all about the job, and im just stood away from everyone, afraid to say anything. Yet again, i wish the floor would just open up and swallow me whole. I hate goodbyes, Or rather, i hate the fact i can't say them.

Im begining to wonder if i still feel happy working here. Everythings changed. The new people are atrocious. They are rude, brash and don't do anything. The whole place seems to have lost it's homely feel. Before, we all got on like a big family. Now, it feels like everyone has split into groups, pitted against each other.

But where would i go? I have no other skills, no qualifications, My writing isn't going to take me anywhere, nobody wants to hire a 19 year old for anything. I so used to enjoy coming to work, i loved it. I would work all the hours i could, any night shifts that were going, i used to love being on the tills, fitting room, putting out all kinds of stock and moving counters. Right now, i am really not looking forward to coming in. Every morning, when i wake up, im filled with dread at having to come into work. Maybe it's just me, maybe i have just grown up and matured. Maybe its becuase i have realized what a big job i am going to have if i even want to move out. Maybe its all in my head.

I think the last one is most possible. I am exhausted, ive been on an emotional rollercoaster all day. Every single emotion i have felt, and the worst thing is and dont know why. They just come on really suddenly. Im not expecting it, and before i know it, i am the happiest i have ever been, to then crash down to a low so bad i just want to end it.

I dont really know what i want any more. I wanted to be a writer, i wanted to go back to college, i wanted to learn to drive. But now? I dont't know anymore. It hardly all seems worth it. I wish i could just be normal, like everyone else, who worries about usual normal things, and who don't have to carry around so much that they feel suffocated. Because i really do. There is always so much on my mind, always so much around my shoulders. I feel like Atlas, the giant who had to hold the whole world on his shoulders, only not in such an exotic setting as ancient Greece.

I should be happy. I have pretty much all i could ask for, but i just crave something different. Could it be, that Happiness is just an imaginary emotion? Something society has taught us to believe in, even though it dosn't exsist.

I really don't know anymore. Maybe i am just over thinking things, maybe im not thinking enough. I just have to work tomorrow, then i am day off Monday. Im reading this back, and it sounds so dreadful, there are too many maybe's, but then again, isn't life just one big maybe?