Indifferent news
Well hello again.
I come with news, although I'm not sure whether it is good, bad or indifferent. Sam, my friend who led me to believe he was going to kill himself dopped a bombshell yesterday. I've recently started talking to him again, but things are still a bit off. But we were talking yesterday on the phone and he said would I like to go to a wedding with him. Of course, I panicked and tried to evade the question without sucess. But in all fairness I can't go. For a start, I am a complete stranger to this couple getting married, and you don't want a load of random nutter's turning up to your special day. Secondly, I wouldn't feel comfortable being with him there, because that poses a lot of awkward questions. And that bring's me onto the next part. He said he was putting himself forward to me as a candidate. That confused me, so I asked what for. He said he wanted to become a candidate for a boyfriend. Me being a complete thicko, still didn't understand, so I had to get him to explain it to me slowly and in black and white. Unfortunatly Sam isn't one of those people with a lot of paitience for the slow, so he started to get a bit crabby. My brain couldn't keep up with what he was on about, so when he finished explaining and was waiting for an answer, I was sat there trying to process what was being said to me. I then tried to babble about something to give myself more time to work out what he had just said, but that just caused confusion.
I honestly don't know how I feel about him. When I first met him online, I really liked him, and was hoping for more. Then I met him in person for the first time, And he said he was just looking for friends, so I thought okay and removed him from my list of prospective men, (Which then became empty) I've vistied him at his flat twice, and both times I moved away from the idea of him as a partner. There's several reasons, One, he dosn't seem to understand that I can't give him what he want's in bed. As much as I try to get over it, my fear of having anal sex keeps getting worse. I now find that while watching porn I grimace and try to look away as soon as people start fucking each other. It fustrates me, because I have had a couple of really bad experience's, and it's put me off so much I can barely stomach the thought of ever doing it again. Sometimes I do think about it, but I can never seem to bring myself to do it again. I go through various phase's of getting my cone's and plug's out and trying to open myself up a bit so I can use it again, I do two day's, then end up so fustrated and upset the box goes back in the wardobe again for another few months. Secondly he dosn't do anything kinky. Literally nothing. He is one hundred and ten percent vanilla. There's absolutly nothing wrong with being vanilla (I lie, it is a disgrace and utterly ridiculous) but for me, no thanks. He is also on benefit's, and has no idea how the real world works. I have to work 45 hour weeks, and he get's annoyed that I can't stay up all night to talk on the phone. But when you have to get up at half 5 for a seven o'clock start, staying up til 1 or 2 am is really hard.
I don't know why he has the sudden change of heart. I want to ask, but I feel like I can't. Or more to the point, I really don't want to know.
It's weird how you think you would love someone without even meeting them. There have been several occasions where I've really got to know a guy, Texted them all day everyday, phone calls, video calls, and then you meet them in the flesh, and it is dissapointment. Or better yet, they just arn't what you pictured. I can't blame the internet, for me, it is the only way I will ever be able to meet a man. That's the hard thing about being gay, you can't just go up to a man you think you like and ask him out, because you will get youself assaulted, or possibly worse. You have to network, and you have to trawl the dark depths of the internet in order to find someone with a couple of qualities you want. This is how I met James. We met on Grindr, we went out for a date, I thought he was okay, nothing special, and we didn't speak for a while. Then we talked quite a lot on Grindr and by text, and something seemed to change. We met up again, and thing's seemed to click better. Now I think the world of him, even though he isn't completly what I want or need. Thats the thing, I do like him, he is a great bloke with a good heart, a great sense of humour and ta brain. We have really interesting conversations, and he has challenged some of my views and has made me see things in a different light, and I hope he can say the same for me. But in all honestly, I don't think he want's me. I think he only want's a sort of a casual arrangment, something for the weekend's if that make's sense. I want someone permanant, someone quite intense and who respect's me for who I am. I have integrity, and the thing I am most proud about myself, is that I am an individual, and I have moral's, belief's and above all, passion. If I want to do something, It become's my lifeblood until it is finished. And that's something Sam dosn't get about me.
The worst thing is, I don't want to be in relationship with Sam, and I don't think James will ever want to be with me fully either. And that's fine. I can't force thing's to happen, just like they can't. But it's worth making a very valid, but at the same time, a moot point;
There Is No Such Thing As A Happy Ending.
I come with news, although I'm not sure whether it is good, bad or indifferent. Sam, my friend who led me to believe he was going to kill himself dopped a bombshell yesterday. I've recently started talking to him again, but things are still a bit off. But we were talking yesterday on the phone and he said would I like to go to a wedding with him. Of course, I panicked and tried to evade the question without sucess. But in all fairness I can't go. For a start, I am a complete stranger to this couple getting married, and you don't want a load of random nutter's turning up to your special day. Secondly, I wouldn't feel comfortable being with him there, because that poses a lot of awkward questions. And that bring's me onto the next part. He said he was putting himself forward to me as a candidate. That confused me, so I asked what for. He said he wanted to become a candidate for a boyfriend. Me being a complete thicko, still didn't understand, so I had to get him to explain it to me slowly and in black and white. Unfortunatly Sam isn't one of those people with a lot of paitience for the slow, so he started to get a bit crabby. My brain couldn't keep up with what he was on about, so when he finished explaining and was waiting for an answer, I was sat there trying to process what was being said to me. I then tried to babble about something to give myself more time to work out what he had just said, but that just caused confusion.
I honestly don't know how I feel about him. When I first met him online, I really liked him, and was hoping for more. Then I met him in person for the first time, And he said he was just looking for friends, so I thought okay and removed him from my list of prospective men, (Which then became empty) I've vistied him at his flat twice, and both times I moved away from the idea of him as a partner. There's several reasons, One, he dosn't seem to understand that I can't give him what he want's in bed. As much as I try to get over it, my fear of having anal sex keeps getting worse. I now find that while watching porn I grimace and try to look away as soon as people start fucking each other. It fustrates me, because I have had a couple of really bad experience's, and it's put me off so much I can barely stomach the thought of ever doing it again. Sometimes I do think about it, but I can never seem to bring myself to do it again. I go through various phase's of getting my cone's and plug's out and trying to open myself up a bit so I can use it again, I do two day's, then end up so fustrated and upset the box goes back in the wardobe again for another few months. Secondly he dosn't do anything kinky. Literally nothing. He is one hundred and ten percent vanilla. There's absolutly nothing wrong with being vanilla (I lie, it is a disgrace and utterly ridiculous) but for me, no thanks. He is also on benefit's, and has no idea how the real world works. I have to work 45 hour weeks, and he get's annoyed that I can't stay up all night to talk on the phone. But when you have to get up at half 5 for a seven o'clock start, staying up til 1 or 2 am is really hard.
I don't know why he has the sudden change of heart. I want to ask, but I feel like I can't. Or more to the point, I really don't want to know.
It's weird how you think you would love someone without even meeting them. There have been several occasions where I've really got to know a guy, Texted them all day everyday, phone calls, video calls, and then you meet them in the flesh, and it is dissapointment. Or better yet, they just arn't what you pictured. I can't blame the internet, for me, it is the only way I will ever be able to meet a man. That's the hard thing about being gay, you can't just go up to a man you think you like and ask him out, because you will get youself assaulted, or possibly worse. You have to network, and you have to trawl the dark depths of the internet in order to find someone with a couple of qualities you want. This is how I met James. We met on Grindr, we went out for a date, I thought he was okay, nothing special, and we didn't speak for a while. Then we talked quite a lot on Grindr and by text, and something seemed to change. We met up again, and thing's seemed to click better. Now I think the world of him, even though he isn't completly what I want or need. Thats the thing, I do like him, he is a great bloke with a good heart, a great sense of humour and ta brain. We have really interesting conversations, and he has challenged some of my views and has made me see things in a different light, and I hope he can say the same for me. But in all honestly, I don't think he want's me. I think he only want's a sort of a casual arrangment, something for the weekend's if that make's sense. I want someone permanant, someone quite intense and who respect's me for who I am. I have integrity, and the thing I am most proud about myself, is that I am an individual, and I have moral's, belief's and above all, passion. If I want to do something, It become's my lifeblood until it is finished. And that's something Sam dosn't get about me.
The worst thing is, I don't want to be in relationship with Sam, and I don't think James will ever want to be with me fully either. And that's fine. I can't force thing's to happen, just like they can't. But it's worth making a very valid, but at the same time, a moot point;
There Is No Such Thing As A Happy Ending.
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